Fathers Day ‘Top10’ List

10 – To all ‘Expectant Fathers’ and other men who are not yet fathers.

You had a father — it doesn’t matter whether you believe he was a ‘good dad’ or not.  He was your father; so Happy Father’s Day.

It’s almost impossible to assess whether a life is more profoundly and permanently affected by the absence of a good father or the abuse of a bad one.   Still, men not (yet) fathers deserve a special Father’s Day message:

• When or if you become a father, know that you’ll have the second most demanding role that one can ever fill. The most demanding role is filled by Mothers.  (My sons lament that — when they become Fathers — they want to make Father’s Day ‘equal to’ Mother’s Day or at least more valued than it currently seems to be in America.  Father’s Day will not be ‘elevated’ to higher status until my sons’ generation becomes Fathers.  Their generation has seen many a stay-at-home dad;  countless divorced fathers;  fathers to adopted children;  even ‘two dad’ families. While they know and understand no single right way to father exists, they also understand the essential ‘ingredients’ to better ‘fathering’ : Faith, Fidelity, Firmness, Fairness, Forgiveness, and Fun.  They also know the 3 ‘toxins’ that prevent better fathering: Immaturity, Selfishness, and Foolishness.

So, ‘grow up’, Expectant Fathers and those who are not yet fathers; but still be ‘warm’ enough to have fun like and with a child.  Remember that no matter how much you’re willing to spend and pay to buy for children, the value children assign to purchased goods is far lower than the valuation of your ‘sacrifices’ of time with and attention paid to them. You won’t need to tell them how much money you spent or paid for them. They’ll see it.  Final notes for this group of soon to be and may become Fathers. We’re not all blessed with wisdom, like Solomon.  Still, don’t behave foolishly.  Children are always learning from us …

9 — To those men new to Fatherhood.  GODSPEED.

You’re in it now, buddy.  You’ve joined what I’ve always referred to as the world’s largest and oldest ‘secret society’ — parenthood. The other members of this ‘secret society’ Mothers, and it’s leaders, Grandmothers and Grandfathers have more prominent and valued roles than you, but do not faint. Your role and the tasks to be assigned to you are indeed important.

You come in many different ‘sub-specialty groups’; each with it’s own specific  challenges, reasons for existing, requirements, and expectations of Mothers:

• ‘Baby Daddies‘ — even if you don’t know the child’s mother, get to know the child. You don’t want to reenter the child’s life when the child ‘succeeds’ … ‘Man up’ and insist on remaining in the child’s life, even if the mother now only wants money from you. Always know where and what your child is doing. At some point, you may have the opportunity to ‘reenter’ the child’s life and want to have ‘proof of effort extended’ …
• Stepfathers — as difficult as fathering one’s’ own ‘blood’ child is, fathering another man’s child is even more challenging.  But it has been done. It’s a matter of commitment. The child’s Mother may not have understood you were incapable of committing to her, but a child will know when an adult is non-commital. If the child sleeps under a roof and dines in a kitchen that you share,  please commit to that child.
• Uncles — you don’t need to tell your nieces and nephews all about their dad’s or mom’s “issues”. Tell the child about the talents and abilities the child has and which family member the child reminds everyone of in a positive way. If you maintain or foster a relationship with a teen or young adult niece or nephew, remember that you’re not the parent, but you should not behave like a ‘sibling’ either; especially if the parent is absent. (See ‘Expectant Father’ note on immaturity).
• ‘Boyfriends‘ — you’re not the ‘Baby Daddy’ but the child’s dad is not in the child’s life.  While you have no legal nor moral obligation to the child, you should be very discreet with and respectful of both the child’s mother (and her relationship history) and also of the child’s need for a ‘Father Figure’.  You don’t want to be a ‘Father Figure’?  Date a woman who does not have a child or children.
• Husbands new to fatherhood —  Your journey will be the most adventurous of these Fathers.  The other guys are more like ‘independent contractors’ or ‘consultants’. Yes, they have big jobs to do, but they don’t have as many ‘layers of management to report to’ no ‘board of directors’ to serve, and definitely no ‘shareholders’ to appease.  You have a wife, her parent(s), and the rest of your in-laws. If your wife had a ‘Bad Dad’, remind her that he was just a man; not a ‘monster’. He may have done some monstrous things to his family. Still, you’re not her father.  If your wife did not know her father, remind her that he either regrets or regretted not knowing his children. If he didn’t have such regrets,  then he was too ‘damaged’ to do more than humbly pray for him.  If your wife had a ‘Great Dad’ you’re a blessed man. Learn from him. Hopefully, you’ll also have your own side of the extended family as ‘interested parties’.  Again, Godspeed.

8 — To Fathers to Toddlers and ‘Tweens‘ — Guys, it doesn’t get better than this. Toddlers adore Dad, because he’s ‘superman’ or in my case, ‘Barney’. Toddlers couldn’t be any cuter; so just make sure you don’t make any bad investments or purchases when an agent or salesperson ‘compliments’ your child. Yes, it’s the prettiest baby she’s ever seen, because it’s the prettiest baby that ever lived… That’s beside the point. Do you really need to or even want to by a ‘whatchamacallit’? Probably not.  So, don’t buy it or into it just because some veteran saleswoman is prepared to make her vacation commission off of your naivety and proud fatherdom. Say “yes, thank God for my beautiful wife”, and keep stepping.  (We know your wife won’t be around to hear it, but you’ll know you said it). When you tuck your child in bed with your wife and then fall to sleep looking at the ceiling that night, you’ll have a most wonderful sense that you’re really blessed to have your wife and child. You are. You’ll also have a feeling that you’re ‘The Man’. And on that day, in your home/’tiny kingdom’, you are. As noted earlier, this is truly as good as it gets. Cherish these moments.

Fathers to ‘Tweens’ have it good, too. It just is not as good as the ‘Fathers of Toddlers” above. Still, a ‘Tween’ is a reflective person, and can engage in thoughtful discussions, and will offer startling insights — about the world and especially to and about the Tween’s dad. This forces these Fathers to stay ‘on their toes’ and to evaluate their own values, beliefs, philosophies  & behavior. Tweens are excellent ‘hypocrisy detectives’.

7 — Fathers to Teens —  Try to relate. To connect. Above all ‘Keep it Real’.  Be honest. In a home everyone should have freedom within boundaries and beneath an ‘umbrella of guiding values’.  So,  live knowing that teenage sons will examine family life from a different perspective when in their 40’s & 50’s. When I’m dead, I want my teens to remember me & our family favorably.  Specifically, I want them to know I loved and served God, their Mother/my wife and them, as best I could, so they can be stable and ‘marriageable men’.

6 —  Fathers to Sons — Whether you liked your ‘old man’ or not, in some ways, we all become our Fathers, if only a little. In some mysterious ways, we can at times see our fathers in our sons. Know that your son will become you. Who do you want him to be? Don’t tell him. Try to be who you want him to be.

5 — Fathers to Daughters — Whether our wives or our ‘Babies’ Mommas’ liked their dads or not, many (if not most) of them marry men like their dads. Who do you want ‘your little girl’ to marry?

4 — Fathers with Bad or Absent Fathers — Forgive him to free yourself.

3 — Fathers with Great Fathers — Don’t compete with a great dad. Instead, teach as many young men about your ‘Great Dad’, as possible. While he won’t be there physically to ‘father’ others, you’ll be ‘fathering’ them with lessons from your dad.  Your Dad didn’t talk much? Even better. Tell other men what your dad did. Years later, many will retell your ‘Great Dad’ stories.

2 — Fathers to Others Fathers — My father, my father-in-law, both of my grandfathers, and my uncles have all passed away, now. Still, I was significantly blessed to have such truly great men in my life. I’m moved when I recall them. So many men have never had a man in their lives who love or loved them in a beautifully spiritual way; rather than in a perverse manner. The men in my life ‘didn’t have two quarters to rub together’.  They couldn’t give what they didn’t have. None of us can. They didn’t buy expensive gifts. But they were generous with the riches they possessed: life wisdom; and love for family and God.  If you’re a ‘Father to Other Fathers‘,  you’re ‘blessed with riches’.  Please don’t waste your ‘wealth’. We need you to ‘invest well’.

1 — Father’s by God’s Grace — You don’t know why you’re blessed to be a father, but you have this awesome responsibility and you’re grateful for it.   Fathers in this group are most fortunate. Every day is a Happy Father’s Day!

To All of the Fathers Above and To All their Children, Happy Father’s Day !